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My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.