me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
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Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
describing stardew valley
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Anime is real
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”