You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Something Saturday.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster