[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
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ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Damn what did I do next
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing