doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.