PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
fly smarter, not harder
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”