Passwords are more important than ever.
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.