I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
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Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.