The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles