But I really needed water water water
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If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Remember folks 😂
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.