My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
They’re not wrong
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.