If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd