Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
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Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.