In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
#ProTip
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free