Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival