My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
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BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
britain’s three elite institutions
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve