My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.