-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*skinny dips into black hole
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water