This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
You Might Also Like
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
May never get over this
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.