MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
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Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.