Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.