*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.