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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.