wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
tourist season
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Cake!!
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
“Huge”.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives