Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
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the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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a
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[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it