my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
bad news gang
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
#StillHurts
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Watson was Holmes schooled
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.