I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
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Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion