If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
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“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious