Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
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Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.