Never mess with a drunken pig.
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Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Oh my God.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same