*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
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Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.