Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
You Might Also Like
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
He a real one for that
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison