My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
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Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
the three branches of government
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Something Saturday.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!