I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
You’ll be OK
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
shit just got real
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand