what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
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Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist