You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.