“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
You Might Also Like
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many