I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?