“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
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Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.