children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
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Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I only eat vegetarians.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Midwest trash talk
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?