Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
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5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””