Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My current situation
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020