Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle