Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Lmfaoooooo
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.