“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
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🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Solving a traffic jam