*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
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i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.