her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.