Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
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I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
early stone age tool
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..