At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
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When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.