Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
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Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*